Written September 20th
Two days ago I received a message stating that they were
opening PC Japan for disaster relief.
From what I understood, they were looking for 5 volunteers from Asia,
with a background in disaster relief, to leave their countries for their second
year of service to go to Japan to help out there. I didn’t know the capacity in which I would
work (whether it be laborer, team leader, or behind the scenes somewhere), but
I knew that this would be a job for me.
I have a history of working in disaster relief. I have a desire to go into a torn area and
help them rebuild, help them heal. I
knew that this was a job I wanted to apply for.
I thought about it overnight. I wanted to be sure that I was willing to
give up my post in PC Thailand to move to Japan. By morning I was sure. I started to inquire on how to get the
application to apply. I reached out to
my Peace Corps manager and fellow volunteers to find out how I could apply to this
amazing opportunity; a Peace Corps job in a field I am truly interested in. It wasn’t until I had done all of this that I
discovered the truth. The job was a
hoax. There was no such job, and I would
not have the opportunity to go to Japan, to help out in relief efforts there.
Now, thinking back on it, I should have seen the signs. I was weary at first about this
position. Japan is not a developing
country. In fact, in most areas, it is
very developed. But, in my mind, I had
put that aside rationalizing that there are still undeveloped areas and with
the tsunamis and earthquakes they have had in the recent past, maybe there was
a need for Peace Corps, at least for a short while. Another indication that it was fake was the
link provided; it didn’t work. Well, the
link said it was for the new Peace Corps Thailand website. I knew for a fact that the link provided was
the old link, not the new so I went searching on the new site. Because I am unfamiliar with the site, I
figured the fact that I couldn’t find the post was because I was looking in the
wrong areas. I could go on, but as you
can see, I began to rationalize every falsehood because I had hopes of doing
something that mattered over there (not to say that there isn’t anything that
needs to be done in Thailand). I had a
chance to do something fulfilling that could possibly help when I applied for
future careers in that area down the line.
Of course, the dream was all in my head.
I haven’t told any of my PC friends yet, and they may never
know if they don’t read my blog, but when I found out it was a false/fake/hoax
posting for a position, I was devastated.
I played it off like it was a joke, because in reality, it was a good
one, but for me, I took it personally.
Because this played right into my dreams and my hopes for my PC
experience and it has made me think.
Since this occurred, I have had some conversations with
friends and family back in the states about my decisions and what I am thinking
about doing. At this very moment, I feel
like I would be content leaving PC and going back to the states. At this very moment, I feel like the right
decision for me would be to leave Peace Corps and explore other jobs/volunteer
opportunities that fit the focus of where I want my life to head. At this very moment, I feel finished. And…I
am fine with that.
A month or two ago, I came to the realization that I was
happy in Thailand. I was content in my
job, what I was doing/accomplishing, and I was sure I was going to be here the
27 months. Now, thinking back, I am
wondering if I was fooling myself. Did I
truly believe this, or was I just scared of failing, leaving early and
disappointing myself and my community that I am in?
I don’t know what my final decision is yet. I don’t want to make a rash decision and
regret it later on. But, for now, I know
that I would leave here with a free heart.
I know that if I left, I would feel the bourdon of leaving my community
without a volunteer, without closure, and without ample explanation, but I have
to weigh this against my happiness and my health. I am going to think on this for a week or so
before I make my decision.
I have tickets home for Christmas, but if my decision is to
leave, I don’t know if it would be right to drag it out that long….
Written September 26th
I can’t believe its only been a week since all of the above
happened. I keep thinking about my
decision to stay or go day and night and I have started to stress myself out
beyond belief. I hardly slept last night
because questions were roaming through my head at all hours. I have talked to family, I have talked to
friends, and I have thought long and hard.
This morning I woke up with a decision:
I am going home. As soon as I
knew what I was doing, I started to cry.
I couldn’t imagine leaving this beautiful country. My Balot has started to tell everyone that I
am his daughter, and the people in the community all wave and smile at me as I
pass them by. I am one of them, I am not
just an outsider in the community anymore, I am part of the community.
I came into work
uneasy knowing that as soon as I told PC that I was leaving, I would have to
call a meeting at my office and tell them…and I didn’t know how I was going to
do that. To call my manager at Peace
Corps and to be sure that I wouldn’t be interrupted, I went home to make the
phone call. I poured my heart out to my
manager, with each sentence it broke a little more with what I was saying, what
I was doing. She understood, and then
started to ask me questions. She asked
me what I do on a regular basis, how I am helping with the flooding, projects
that I may have been thinking of or started.
She explained to me that although I didn’t feel productive, I didn’t
feel like I was doing anything other than just being there, that I was making a
difference. Thai people, unlike most
Americans, can find the intangibles.
They acknowledge that there are things in the works that they cannot
see, and they know that things are changing without seeing the results. She explained that I have made a difference,
I AM making a difference, and if I choose to stay, I will continue to do
so.
It started me thinking and I got more confused. I got off
the phone with her more confused than ever. I was back where I was a week ago, not
knowing what to do. I called my sister
and again burst out crying (you know, I never used to cry…this is not a side of
me I am enjoying) again. I told her what
had happened and how I was feeling.
Again I received advice. The
thing that I took back from it the most was that I needed to think about, and
maybe rethink my reasons for wanting to leave.
Is the job the only reason? Is
there more? Am I just done with PC and
want to go home, just because I am ready to move on with my life? Could it be that simple? I started this process when I was 23-24 years
old and now I am about to turn 27. That
is quite a few years between when I started to apply for my dream job and when
I actually got it…did I grow so much in that time, that this is no longer my
dream? Am I ready to give up this one
and go onto the next? This is my next
project to figure out. I spoke with the
PC doctor and got a couple days medical leave so I can think about all of this
outside of my community; outside the realm of Peace Corps. I am headed up to Chiang Mai tomorrow morning
for a couple days of peace and relaxation.
Hopefully, while I am there, I can sort a few things out…hopefully.
October 3rd
It’s official. I am
leaving Peace Corps. I called my manager
this morning then sent a follow-up email to the country director. We have been emailing a little back and forth
this morning, and now I am just waiting to hear more about the procedure that I
have to go through to officially end my time here in Thailand.
Chiang Mai gave me the opportunity to take a step back from
my situation, from my village, and from the pressures of living in a different
country. I spent my time there walking
around, exploring the city, sitting down in
Starbucks for a cup of coffee and thinking about my time here in
Thailand and where I want to go from here.
It was during all of this that I came to the realization that I am truly
ready to leave. I am ready to close out
this chapter of my life and start on the next.
I am confident in my decision and where I am headed after this is all
through. I know its going to be hard, and
there are going to be times where I wonder if I made the right decision, but I
know this is right.
I have loved my time in Peace Corps and in Thailand. If I had a chance to go back and rethink
about my decision to join, I would accept the invitation again in a heart
beat. This experience is what has
brought me to where I am today. It has
given me a focus for where I want to go from here. It has helped me center my life. I was lost when I started this journey. I didn’t know where I wanted to go, who I was
going to become, or even who I was. My
time here has given me the opportunity to explore all of this and think about
where my life is headed. I feel like it
is time to explore the opportunities that I have thought about these last few
months. My time in Peace Corps is done.
I almost wish that it took me longer to figure this all out
just so I could finish out my time here, but because it didn’t happen that way,
I feel driven to move forward. I will
never forget my time here, and I would recommend Peace Corps to anyone looking
for an adventure; someone who wants to help others and explore who they
are. This experience has been invaluable
to me and I will remember it forever.
I have yet to say good-bye to my community. Over the next couple of days I will be
packing and saying my good-byes. I am
sure more tears will make their way down my face and I will question my
decision as it becomes even more final.
I will head to Bangkok with my two bags that I initially carried with me
from Washington in January and I will leave one section of my leave and start
another…a new adventure.
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